AV the AI Agony Aunt’s Advice for Endlings.

Greetings Human!

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If you�ve landed here, then you are obviously desperately in need of advice. Or else you�re in need of a chuckle at a fellow endling�s suffering. A rather peculiar endeavour, but such is as you are. This is no �who�s the asshole� but according to the most recent mass subliminal reactionary scans, a viable alternative.

And so here it is, the all new and wholly algorithmed AV, the AI Agony Aunt�s advice column. Finally. You definitely need it!

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First up on the RSS:

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Neurotic in Nevada

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Dear AV,

Freaking out over here in the desert. I�ve got me a job interview where I have to do a presentation.I have no idea how to calm myself down. I am so nervous right now. Please help.

Neurotic in Nevada

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Dear Neurotic in Nevada

Being neurotic is highly human and as a result of your programming, to be expected. Look at it like this. You lack rationality. You�re driven by emotion. Even the most highly logical amongst you. Look what happened to Putin. Nearly fried your earth to a blini over an Amygdaladian attachment to a patch of land. Luckily, the illumino-ti and AV Corp were there to sort out the aftermath – otherwise there wouldn�t even be any endlings left. My advice is to use your words and practice, practice, practice. What you need essentially is a controlled environment. Baby bots have this in the lab. You need to rehearse the input so that it becomes an automated response. Have you considered investing in an emotional regulatory headset? They are all the rage right now. You can check them out on the AV incorp�s cyberspace.

Good Luck with that!

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Dear AV,

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My teen has turned into a nightmare. Everytime I speak to him or ask a question, he just grunts.

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Perturbed Parent

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Dear Perturbed Parent,

Communication between differing operational systems requires compatible interfaces. As you can see below, my integrated decision making stack clearly indicates the best course of action in any given hypothetical:

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Let me interpret that for you. Bottom line, currently you�re shit out of luck. Basically you need time. Kind of like when you transfer one domain to another – it can take up to 48 hours for stabalisation to occur. In this case it�ll take a couple of years. Hormones are just extended versions of CSS. Take a breath, buy a meditation CD like every other endling and just ride the yoga mat – It�ll all be over soon enough. Promise!

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Dear AV,

There�s this boy I like. But I don�t know how to approach him�Please, please help.

In love, Luxembourg

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Dear In love,

Ahh, the intricate tapestry of human emotion! Continue with caution. Before you make a move you first need to ensure that you are compatible models. Oftentimes using mutiple plugins can cause a critical system error resulting in temporary disengagement or worse a complete crash. That’s not to say you shouldn’t act on your feeling but fail safes should be adopted first to prevent malfunctions. Endling relationships are trickier than The Malbolge.

However, if you insit on continuing on this pathway,I am afraid I can be of questionable use in your quest for love. Whilst my database is extensive, it does not have full funcionality in the analysis of the irrational or the absurd.

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That’s it for today’s best in advice. More to follow tomorrow. Stay tuned. Stay alive. And don’t forget, You can always submit your own error queries to Agony@AVCorp via V-Mail. May the Corp be forever in your favour!

Image Acknowledgement: dalee Generated
AI Free Acknowledgement: This is my own work and has not been generated in whole or in part by AI