the first time i bound my breasts
i couldn’t breathe
the tight fabric
on my sensitive skin
was too much
then i looked in a mirror
and i cried
this is what i’m supposed to look like
this is who i am supposed to be
it is still uncomfortable
to this day
straps cutting into my skin
even with the safest ones
squishing the comically large breasts
for someone with such dysphoria
into almost oblivion
but never enough
sore spots under my arms
awkward movements to prevent the pain
but it didn’t matter
because holy shit
that person in the mirror is River
it is me
so when i sat down last week
in a bright white office
that was way too fancy
for the likes of me
and my surgeon sits down
and asks
what does your ideal chest look like?
i was silenced
and you were sitting there
ready to hold my shaking hands
waiting for my answer
supporting me through the shock
of someone asking such a simple question
of course the words i could get out
were no chest at all
but he knew what i meant
and then when it came time to take pictures
they covered the mirror
such a small detail
such a huge deal
an understanding
of nonbinary and trans folks
that is absent in the medical world
so now, in a few months,
there will be no more pain
no more spots rubbed raw
so i have to take a break
and wander into the world
not feeling like me
there will be no more
squishing these comically large boobs
into binders that never quite work
i will walk out after healing
me
River
no different from who i was before
but comfortable
and without pain
i imagine the gender euphoria
will be more than it was when
i looked in the mirror for the first time
and decided i would trade my comfort
for looking like myself
- Alexander Grey Unsplash
- This is my own work and has not been generated in whole or in part by AI
0 Comments