I’m selling my soul again.
And no- No one’s making me do it. Not a magical genie who prophesied the idea or a devil manipulating me into some sort of trade. This is a me choice and a me decision.
Why- because I don’t know what to do when I’m left alone with just myself. How to handle the inner monologue and her hundreds of worries & woes. The multitude of questions I don’t have answers to for myself.
So it’s easiest to sell it. Sell my soul that does know how to contribute to others happiness, because I don’t know how to be happy by myself-�for myself.�
The lows are low and the highs never feel so good.
So please excuse me just this once, and understand that no-
I’m not being overly dramatic when I share with you,
that depression sinks�me so far�down…
…so far down, that I’m pretty sure you could allow my mood to simply stabilize
and I would consider it a high.
They say that life comes in waves, of ups and downs but I feel like it’s more like an ocean wave. Just a circular push and pull, we take and we give, we crash into the shore line, and then recoil into ourselves to build back up and do it again. Until perhaps the tides change, and we are swept another way, forced into some sort of change. But even then, once settled we continue the pattern just on a new beach.
And that, that sucks.
The realization that sometimes our patterns do dictate us. Repeating an action over & over again. Growing from the knowledge that the results will never change, even if the environment does. I’m stuck in a loop, a wave pattern, a current of emotional dealings.
Funny, ironic even, I’m a water sign, Cancer. Ruled by the moon, drawn to the waves. Maybe it’s something inherent or maybe it’s all coincidental, make-believe, a personal religion based from the stars & the zodiac.
Or maybe… it’s an excuse. A reason to continue riding the waves.
Surfing the Highs and Crashing with the Lows.
Investing in a deal to sell myself to the shore lines.
The people in my life I can make feel happy.
Feeding their highs, stretching the ride,
prolonging the inevitable lows we all crash down into.
I’m selling my soul again, not to a genie, or a devil in disguise.
But to pretend that in my loneliness, that fueling a friend is Noble…
&
ignoring myself is Easy.
- Photo by Emiliano Arano
- This is my own work and has not been generated in whole or in part by AI
Aw Hayley, I felt this. Beautifully written but so much truth and I am sure many can relate. You take care and maybe try to give you a little attention every now and then 🤍
Thanks so much Celia! 💗 To be fully honest this was an older piece that I have been itching to revisit and revamp to make more current, had fun with the wave *motion* ha, I appreciate the kind well wishes!!!
Awesome piece Hayley, the formatting adds so much to the piece. It’s visually gorgeous as well as the writing. Really great stuff.
Thank you so so so much River!!! I had this one written in an old notebook years ago with this pattern, but the first draft I did online I wasn’t in love with. But I think I finally got it here! So glad you enjoyed.